Twenty-Five

It’s 8:27pm on a work night and I’m exhausted. No, I didn’t involve myself in some strenuous workout at the gym. I’m just mentally tired from the constant worry in my head. I’m not unemployed, I don’t have kids to worry about and I have supportive parents to thank for letting me still live with them. I shouldn’t be worried about anything. But I can’t help myself from being stressed at the lack of success I’m supposed to be having. Isn’t this very selfish of me to think about? Why am I so impatient and why do I feel so entitled?

Is it normal to be stressed too much about life at twenty-five? I don’t want to be accused of believing so much in cliches, but is this what I think quarter life crisis is? Believe me, I really hate the mere mention of it but I can’t help but feel the pressure to do things. If not now, when? Again, why am I so impatient? Things can wait, can’t they?

Doesn’t success take years to reap? Besides, am I extremely hardworking to demand myself an early success? I’m so full of myself I should be ashamed. What do I expect success to be anyway?

Am I only feeling this way because I hate my current job? Or, am I only trying to better myself? Hey, that’s not a bad thing–at least I’m not complacent.

I just don’t know what to do. Why do I feel like I need to go back to school? Why do I feel it’s rational to spend money I don’t have, quit my job, and then maybe work part-time at Starbucks? Why is this urge so strong, when I know it doesn’t make sense to let go of a stable job that gives me generous money?

Is it wrong to look for more meaningful work? To look for something that could challenge myself than settle for a job I don’t truly believe in?

All these questions might be why I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better?

Book Review: Jennifer Egan’s ‘A Visit from the Goon Squad’

I had the intention of finishing this book on a plane to Manila a year ago, but ended up falling asleep after only reading the first two chapters. Since then, I’ve somehow forgotten it ever existed. This month however, I finally got my hands on it–and it just miraculously became a favorite overnight.

This is honestly the only book that I’ve read (so far) that I genuinely wish I’d written. Her style of writing is just incredible. Every chapter in this novel could stand on its own, and still be as engaging as the book in its entirety. Jennifer Egan’s non-conventional style of storytelling–non-chronological, with each chapter told through a different character–feels like such a luxurious read. The chapters transported me into different worlds and time periods, where I met plenty of imperfect, but likable characters.

The worlds I got transported into were interesting times: there was the ‘80s punk scene; the behind-the-scenes of record producing; the music industry in the digital era; writing songs out of misery; identifying pauses in songs; the beauty of going to shows; the beach; somewhere in Africa; and a lot more. Maybe my love for this book is a bit skewed because of my natural bias to music, but I guarantee you, Egan offers so much more.

Especially in life and human relationships.

The book holds many interpretations of what it’s like being human, including our natural tendency to commit mistakes, different personalities that ‘click’, the future of human interaction, the race through time, and more. This book could also be one of the best growing up stories I’ve ever read. It brought me back to every life stage I’ve gone through so far, and possibly scared me too, of what’s to come in the future.

Some of my favorite lines I wish I wrote:

“You’ve entered a state of tingling, stomachy happiness that feels the way you hoped adulthood would be as a kid: a blur of lost bearings, release from the drone of meals and homework..” 

“It’s turning out to be a bad day, a day when the sun feels like teeth.” 

“He sensed between them an understanding too deep to articulate: the unspeakable knowledge that everything is lost.” 

“The pause makes you think the song will end. And then the song isn’t really over, so you’re relieved. But then the song does end, because every song ends, obviously, and THAT. TIME. THE. END. IS. FOR. REAL.”

“Time’s a goon, right?”

A Visit from the Goon Squad
Published: 2010  Author: Jennifer Egan

What I Know About Love (So Far)

The reason why I love the Before Sunrise trilogy is its honest depiction of ‘love’ in all three films. Although I know very little about it–being that my experience on romantic relationships is nothing compared to those who have been married and divorced, I believe that ‘love’, the most pleasant experience of all human emotions, is a full-fledged commitment that should be accepting of all the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Who do I think I am, talking about ‘love’.

I don’t care. I just need to share my thoughts because this is probably the only thing in life that I’m absolutely sure of:

“Although falling in love is easy and is the most beautiful thing in the world, staying in love is the most difficult. It is filled with compromises, understanding and sacrifices. ‘Convenient’ is probably the last word to describe it with.”

Most people my age, including my coworkers who debated over this topic this week, choose to live with their boyfriends/girlfriends before marriage to ‘see’ and ‘know’ the other person better. I have nothing against it, but I don’t see why people find it necessary. I don’t see marriage as something that should serve me convenience. And I don’t think I would judge my potential husband based on his sleeping patterns and Netflix preferences. Or his daily habits and possible annoying kinks.

I would choose to marry someone based on his willingness to commit to the relationship–no matter what.

And this is the reason why I don’t think I’d consider living with the guy first to ‘see’.

When I get there, I should know what I’m in for. And the guy should be on the same page too. And we should be fully aware that it’s not an easy decision with  a free “How-To” guide. It’s complicated and we’ll probably kind of hate each other along the way.

But that’s exactly what makes it so beautiful. It doesn’t matter that it’s ugly sometimes, or most times. ‘Love’ outweighs them all. It doesn’t matter that he snores loudly, or he prefers the couch this way, or that he likes purple and you don’t. Or doesn’t believe in most things you believe in.

You pick someone to be a partner in life. Wear your big girl/boy pants on and stick with the decision forever and don’t be a wuss after the little fights. There’s always a bigger picture and you just always have to pick love to win all the time.

Six Realizations Two Weeks Into a New Job

I’ve been meaning to write this the first day I got the job. I tried to do it again after a week, but I can’t seem to come up with something good. It could only be because more than a month ago, I would’ve never imagined I’d have my name on a business card with a company address on 8th Ave, New York and a “917” area code. “917”–not even “212” or “646”. (Old and new Manhattan area codes) More than a month ago, I was just sitting at a comfy job, probably questioning my life motivations. But here I am now, and I am extremely excited.

Two weeks into it, I realized 6 things:

1.) I’ve always wanted to work in New York City. It just gives me so much energy everyday and I feel motivated and inspired to do more. I can’t believe I saw Times Square for the very first time almost 7 years ago and now my office is only a couple of blocks away.

2.) I need to try to write something new everyday. It could be a blog entry, a paragraph, or even a sentence or two. Or even three words. As long as I write something down, it should be good. I really want to practice writing and be good at it, especially at my job.

3.) I should read more. Still on that improving-my-writing thing, reading can teach me so many good things. I’m looking at non-fiction books, feature articles, essays. You know, those stuff.

4.) Staying healthy makes me feel good. Ever since I started working out (needs improvement) and eating less junk food, there seemed to be less worries in the world. It just feels light and also, it helps me to not gasp for air when I chase trains, daily.

5.) I want to be more independent. It’s definitely a challenge to move out and get my own apartment but I think the only way to discipline myself more is to be on my own. Not only would independence teach me valuable lessons everyday, it would also make me very happy to style every corner of the house–my way!

6.) Haven’t been this happy in a long time. I have the best boyfriend, a shiny new job, a renewed thirst for learning and creativity and a pretty sweet shopping money. I think I can finally say I haven’t been this genuinely happy in a really long time.

Year in Review

Unemployed in the summer of 2012, I created this blog as a quick outlet of my thoughts to give myself some sense of purpose. I thought it would be best to make fun of the bad situation I was in, so I mostly celebrated my non-achievements, selfish endeavors (or the lack thereof) and the most trivial life events. Luckily, after scoring a new job not long after, I somehow redeemed myself and started setting realistic goals as an ‘adult’. So in 2013, these goals just became clearer – mostly attainable.

I actually started doing things. And in doing so, I earned an exciting 2014 ahead of me.

What I’m trying to say is, I’ve had enough of making bad situations better by ‘making fun’ of them. There’s really nothing to gain out of making a situation ‘funny’. Instead, do actual, tangible things towards set goals and get rewarded quicker than you can imagine. It might just be some sense of maturity finally kicking in, and my lessened belief in luck but now, more than ever, I believe a stronger drive makes for an even bigger success.

My 2014 will just be a continuation of that – fueling my passion and my drive to succeed. Who knows, I might actually be able to afford an apartment* by the end of this year, if not sooner.

*I’ve been thinking of this way too often lately. Looks like we have a New Year’s resolution over hurr.

Too many feels

Why am I such a sourpuss. If I were a stranger to this blog, I would definitely stop reading after two posts. I just realized that instead of always complaining about things, I should be counting plenty of reasons why I should be thankful everyday. There are a lot of reasons to be thankful for, including my 24th birthday coming up in 2 days.

My old self will be complaining about this of course, but now I’m happy I’m turning 24. I haven’t accomplished much I know but being older is not a bad thing at all. I feel grown up and a little wiser. I already know I’m smarter than I was a year ago – during my ‘punk’ days of not caring. It’s hilarious and a little terrifying how selfish I was and how dumb it was for me to believe that not caring is better than anything because ‘feels’ are bad. ‘Feels’ was a sign of weakness I thought, when in reality, it should be the other way around. It’s a brave thing to care, to be scared and to be hurt. This year taught me to embrace them all – to face them when they’re bad and to let the good kind of feels in.

I think I’m completely healed and it’s something I am extremely thankful of. I was hurt pretty badly and distracted myself by ignoring feelings and by diverting my attention to socializing and ‘partying’. My ‘YOLO’ year I would say, was probably my loneliest and funniest year at the same time. Funny stories of youth and stupidity, yes. But I’ve never felt so alone in my life. It was just me in my non-feels world. Not a fuck was given to any situation I went through. But now I can honestly say I am healed and I don’t feel hurt anymore.

I should also be thankful for a good year of learning, career wise. I think I have a better idea of what I want to do and I also believe in myself more than ever. I’m the only one who can push myself to do better everyday, and to believe I am capable of making great things happen. Things will always be difficult I know, but as they say, it’s all just a matter of perspective.

Penny-pinchin’

If you’re 20-something and you have your own place, a car, an HD TV with cable and Netflix, an insured pet plus enough money to spare, then aren’t you so lucky. I’m not entirely sure if this ideal demographic represents a significant percentage of the current US population but if you fit this mold, I am jealous of you buddy. Not only am I incapable of renting my own place, I am also currently on the edge of a possible job loss.

Relax, I am aware of the dangers of these pangs of jealousy. Please know that these are not just ill feelings, they also do a good job of reminding me to be better everyday. I’m very hopeful that in less than three years, I can achieve a level of stability where there’s an ample time to relax and breathe in between paydays, quarterly shopping sprees, hefty funds for some traveling and a considerable amount of job satisfaction.

I will get there eventually. I’ll be 27 and fulfilled. But as of August 28th, 2013 at 7:44 pm, I am fearful that if I lose my job because of my company’s difficult merger situation, I’d only be clinging to what’s left of my bank account that can last me for a few months, maybe a couple if I quit Starbucks and eating out. I guess I have to mentally prepare myself and be really smart now: no more unnecessary purchases and self indulgences. Only food and wine.

Oh well. Crossing my fingers I can meet all these looming car payments.

Quarterlife

I hate to be a part of this age old cliche, but I think I’m convinced that people really go through a quarter life crisis. Some people may have luckily figured out their goals early in life but unfortunately, I’m not said people. Growing up, I was told that after getting a college degree and securing a job, life will be set. There was a huge emphasis on education and it seemed as if life would be perfect once this is achieved. Currently, I hold a bachelor’s degree plus a minor on the side and I have a job in line with it. Do I feel complete, accomplished and happy? I don’t think so.

In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with what I’m currently doing. Yes, I feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete tasks given to me, as well as when I’m complimented at what I do. But in the end, I do not enjoy it. It’s just that, a job. A job that pays my indulgences and my monthly bills. A job that gives me stress at times and a job that gives me some sense of purpose everyday. And this is unfortunate because I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do. Some people go to grad school to buy some time but it’s not an option in my case since I can’t afford it. How do I even figure out my passion in life? I like a lot of things, but to single out one thing is quite difficult.

Does my love for music count? Or my addiction to Netflix? And coming up with this blog? Somebody help me figure out what to do because honestly, these everyday routines are becoming really, really dull. Good thing my job got me a boyfriend at least.

July, July

Is this a mid year reflection of my 2013? Maybe. Ever since my 2012 year-end post, I’ve collected quite a number of things including a speeding ticket, memories from my trip to the motherland, bruises from my last minute cheap mud-proof boot purchase for a summer music festival and *drum roll please*, a boyfriend. Yes, I may not have posted it on Facebook yet, but I am now officially in a relationship.

Still fresh and newer than new, this relationship has been making me smile a lot lately even at work, where I lose my soul a little bit for at least 2 hours a day. It’s been really amazing to just hang out with this guy, who’s almost the same person as I am, only from a different race and of the opposite gender. It’s really strange how we connect in so many levels, a far cry from the guys I’ve dated in the past. He makes it so easy and our shared interests, including our flair for sarcasm and passion for music, just make everything fall into place effortlessly. Funny how fate just decidedly knocked me down right after I’ve mostly given up on people. (See post here)

Obviously, this is not to say I’ve achieved the greatest accomplishment in life. But I am just thrilled for what’s to come in the next couple of months. My single self has slowly taken its departure after two years and I have now been welcoming and embracing, although a little apprehensively, my other version of self – the less grumpy but just as fun self.

Well, we’ll see how this one goes.

Break

My Pandora is still going and taking me to really really strange places but it actually made me inspired to write. I am not going to be really particular about the events in my life in the past few months but everything has been good. Too good actually validating my theory that I only remember to write when terrible things are happening. Now I’m on a break. I’m on a break from negativity and bad decisions. Sometimes, when you meet a person who can sing Death Cab for Cutie songs with you on a late night drive, everything’s going to be alright.

It has not been easy the past two years. I’ve forgotten anything related to feels. It’s been a series of “Oh, I guess this is happening” kind of things. I’ve become numb to feelings and have been confused with appropriating the right emotion for certain situations. But it’s very refreshing to be reminded of how great it can be to feel again. To just let go and just, that, feel. It’s not easy. I’m still on my tippy toes. But I’ve been taking it one day at a time and just taking it all in slowly. Someone’s been patiently helping me feel again. I think I’m keeping him.