July, July

Is this a mid year reflection of my 2013? Maybe. Ever since my 2012 year-end post, I’ve collected quite a number of things including a speeding ticket, memories from my trip to the motherland, bruises from my last minute cheap mud-proof boot purchase for a summer music festival and *drum roll please*, a boyfriend. Yes, I may not have posted it on Facebook yet, but I am now officially in a relationship.

Still fresh and newer than new, this relationship has been making me smile a lot lately even at work, where I lose my soul a little bit for at least 2 hours a day. It’s been really amazing to just hang out with this guy, who’s almost the same person as I am, only from a different race and of the opposite gender. It’s really strange how we connect in so many levels, a far cry from the guys I’ve dated in the past. He makes it so easy and our shared interests, including our flair for sarcasm and passion for music, just make everything fall into place effortlessly. Funny how fate just decidedly knocked me down right after I’ve mostly given up on people. (See post here)

Obviously, this is not to say I’ve achieved the greatest accomplishment in life. But I am just thrilled for what’s to come in the next couple of months. My single self has slowly taken its departure after two years and I have now been welcoming and embracing, although a little apprehensively, my other version of self – the less grumpy but just as fun self.

Well, we’ll see how this one goes.

What happiness?

What exactly makes someone happy? What constitutes happiness? Is there an easy way to achieve it? Can somebody prove that happiness is not just when you’re in a healthy relationship? Happiness is not just when one’s worth is validated by another person’s affections, right? Because if it’s the only way, if happiness is only when you’re in a bubble of mush, then isn’t life a big fat, annoying jerk.

It’s just pathetic how despite every other good thing that’s happening to me, I’m still not happy just because no one’s there. As much as I try to enjoy my life and all with a bunch of friends and lots of alcohol, something’s just missing. And it’s hard to brush it off because that feeling of longing just clings to me everyday. It hovers above my head like a dead cloud. I miss the feeling of security and companionship. I miss the peace. Back when I was in one, even if the job sucked, or life’s been a joke, I’d still be happy because someone was there, waiting in the wings to make everything okay.

I wish it wasn’t like this. Why can’t I be happy just by myself? I mean, it would be awesome to just deal with myself alone. No lies, sugarcoats and complications. But it’s just not the case. And it sucks that I’d take all the pain back again just to have a taste of the kind of happiness when it’s all butterflies and rainbows.

And that’s pretty fucked up.

The X Factor

It’s always a sad story when a relationship ends. Time, effort and feelings were invested so deeply only to be put into waste in the end. But what’s annoying is when time has healed all wounds already, but the inevitable comparison of the potential new guy and the ex ensues. It happens to everyone, and it is really annoying in that we always want the potential new guy to be perfect. But sometimes, or maybe most likely, he isn’t. And then come even more comparisons with this guy and that guy and the many other exes of the past. I call this “the X factor”.

It’s like a nightmare, or a credit card bill: it’s haunting. The flashbacks of old memories whenever a new memory presents itself can be very obnoxious. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the ex is better, but the comparison itself is irksome at best. The ex is like a virus, a bug that is unwanted. No one wants to remember a virus, it’s sickening. I can only think of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind‘s premise to be the only solution to this problem. Can I get Dr. Mierzwiak’s number please?

Ah, I hate this part. But I like you.