What I Know About Love (So Far)

The reason why I love the Before Sunrise trilogy is its honest depiction of ‘love’ in all three films. Although I know very little about it–being that my experience on romantic relationships is nothing compared to those who have been married and divorced, I believe that ‘love’, the most pleasant experience of all human emotions, is a full-fledged commitment that should be accepting of all the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Who do I think I am, talking about ‘love’.

I don’t care. I just need to share my thoughts because this is probably the only thing in life that I’m absolutely sure of:

“Although falling in love is easy and is the most beautiful thing in the world, staying in love is the most difficult. It is filled with compromises, understanding and sacrifices. ‘Convenient’ is probably the last word to describe it with.”

Most people my age, including my coworkers who debated over this topic this week, choose to live with their boyfriends/girlfriends before marriage to ‘see’ and ‘know’ the other person better. I have nothing against it, but I don’t see why people find it necessary. I don’t see marriage as something that should serve me convenience. And I don’t think I would judge my potential husband based on his sleeping patterns and Netflix preferences. Or his daily habits and possible annoying kinks.

I would choose to marry someone based on his willingness to commit to the relationship–no matter what.

And this is the reason why I don’t think I’d consider living with the guy first to ‘see’.

When I get there, I should know what I’m in for. And the guy should be on the same page too. And we should be fully aware that it’s not an easy decision with  a free “How-To” guide. It’s complicated and we’ll probably kind of hate each other along the way.

But that’s exactly what makes it so beautiful. It doesn’t matter that it’s ugly sometimes, or most times. ‘Love’ outweighs them all. It doesn’t matter that he snores loudly, or he prefers the couch this way, or that he likes purple and you don’t. Or doesn’t believe in most things you believe in.

You pick someone to be a partner in life. Wear your big girl/boy pants on and stick with the decision forever and don’t be a wuss after the little fights. There’s always a bigger picture and you just always have to pick love to win all the time.

July, July

Is this a mid year reflection of my 2013? Maybe. Ever since my 2012 year-end post, I’ve collected quite a number of things including a speeding ticket, memories from my trip to the motherland, bruises from my last minute cheap mud-proof boot purchase for a summer music festival and *drum roll please*, a boyfriend. Yes, I may not have posted it on Facebook yet, but I am now officially in a relationship.

Still fresh and newer than new, this relationship has been making me smile a lot lately even at work, where I lose my soul a little bit for at least 2 hours a day. It’s been really amazing to just hang out with this guy, who’s almost the same person as I am, only from a different race and of the opposite gender. It’s really strange how we connect in so many levels, a far cry from the guys I’ve dated in the past. He makes it so easy and our shared interests, including our flair for sarcasm and passion for music, just make everything fall into place effortlessly. Funny how fate just decidedly knocked me down right after I’ve mostly given up on people. (See post here)

Obviously, this is not to say I’ve achieved the greatest accomplishment in life. But I am just thrilled for what’s to come in the next couple of months. My single self has slowly taken its departure after two years and I have now been welcoming and embracing, although a little apprehensively, my other version of self – the less grumpy but just as fun self.

Well, we’ll see how this one goes.

Break

My Pandora is still going and taking me to really really strange places but it actually made me inspired to write. I am not going to be really particular about the events in my life in the past few months but everything has been good. Too good actually validating my theory that I only remember to write when terrible things are happening. Now I’m on a break. I’m on a break from negativity and bad decisions. Sometimes, when you meet a person who can sing Death Cab for Cutie songs with you on a late night drive, everything’s going to be alright.

It has not been easy the past two years. I’ve forgotten anything related to feels. It’s been a series of “Oh, I guess this is happening” kind of things. I’ve become numb to feelings and have been confused with appropriating the right emotion for certain situations. But it’s very refreshing to be reminded of how great it can be to feel again. To just let go and just, that, feel. It’s not easy. I’m still on my tippy toes. But I’ve been taking it one day at a time and just taking it all in slowly. Someone’s been patiently helping me feel again. I think I’m keeping him.

These are only self-inflicted

It’s funny how I’m only motivated to write when I’m in a somewhat dark place. Is it really easier to record feelings of despair than positive ones? But anyway, it feels like my life is slowly transforming into a mini tragedy. I might be forgetting how to be treated nicely. In a way, I feel like this is a personal issue I should address pretty soon before I lose it. Why do I embrace people who don’t care and shun others who treat me well?

Besides the many unfortunate episodes in my crazed love life, (should I even call it a  love life?), all is well.

Quick disclaimer: I’m twenty-three, I might have magnified the intensity of some of my troubles. But really, it’s been rough.

This is not about Valentine’s Day

It’s really not.

Addiction

I’ve quit smoking for months now and I don’t even miss it. I’ve been offered to smoke countless times since but I’ve successfully declined all occasions, including nights of drunken stupor. Maybe I was never addicted to smoking, maybe it was just a phase in my life.

If I’m being honest, I only have two addictions: coffee; and chasing someone who gives me the least amount of attention. I don’t think I can quit coffee yet, but I resolve to quit the latter.

I would say most of us seek attention. Especially in this generation when all forms of attention seeking platforms are readily available. But I hate how I always end up crying for attention from someone who probably thinks I exist only occasionally. What do I get from this? What do I get from attempting to maybe get more than a shrug? Nothing but embarrassment and self-loathing.

Hence, going forward, I refuse to get treated like dirt. I know this has become an addiction because it’s been tough for me to quit. I get a random nudge, and I’m dragged back into craving the attention that’s not given to me.

So I quit.

I resolve to quit the endless infatuation with games, maybes and boy hysteria.

I’m an independent girl who deserves more than a freaking nudge and I don’t have time for anything less.

Now let me go get a shot of espresso with my coffee please.

What happiness?

What exactly makes someone happy? What constitutes happiness? Is there an easy way to achieve it? Can somebody prove that happiness is not just when you’re in a healthy relationship? Happiness is not just when one’s worth is validated by another person’s affections, right? Because if it’s the only way, if happiness is only when you’re in a bubble of mush, then isn’t life a big fat, annoying jerk.

It’s just pathetic how despite every other good thing that’s happening to me, I’m still not happy just because no one’s there. As much as I try to enjoy my life and all with a bunch of friends and lots of alcohol, something’s just missing. And it’s hard to brush it off because that feeling of longing just clings to me everyday. It hovers above my head like a dead cloud. I miss the feeling of security and companionship. I miss the peace. Back when I was in one, even if the job sucked, or life’s been a joke, I’d still be happy because someone was there, waiting in the wings to make everything okay.

I wish it wasn’t like this. Why can’t I be happy just by myself? I mean, it would be awesome to just deal with myself alone. No lies, sugarcoats and complications. But it’s just not the case. And it sucks that I’d take all the pain back again just to have a taste of the kind of happiness when it’s all butterflies and rainbows.

And that’s pretty fucked up.

The X Factor

It’s always a sad story when a relationship ends. Time, effort and feelings were invested so deeply only to be put into waste in the end. But what’s annoying is when time has healed all wounds already, but the inevitable comparison of the potential new guy and the ex ensues. It happens to everyone, and it is really annoying in that we always want the potential new guy to be perfect. But sometimes, or maybe most likely, he isn’t. And then come even more comparisons with this guy and that guy and the many other exes of the past. I call this “the X factor”.

It’s like a nightmare, or a credit card bill: it’s haunting. The flashbacks of old memories whenever a new memory presents itself can be very obnoxious. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the ex is better, but the comparison itself is irksome at best. The ex is like a virus, a bug that is unwanted. No one wants to remember a virus, it’s sickening. I can only think of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind‘s premise to be the only solution to this problem. Can I get Dr. Mierzwiak’s number please?

Ah, I hate this part. But I like you.