Twenty-Five

It’s 8:27pm on a work night and I’m exhausted. No, I didn’t involve myself in some strenuous workout at the gym. I’m just mentally tired from the constant worry in my head. I’m not unemployed, I don’t have kids to worry about and I have supportive parents to thank for letting me still live with them. I shouldn’t be worried about anything. But I can’t help myself from being stressed at the lack of success I’m supposed to be having. Isn’t this very selfish of me to think about? Why am I so impatient and why do I feel so entitled?

Is it normal to be stressed too much about life at twenty-five? I don’t want to be accused of believing so much in cliches, but is this what I think quarter life crisis is? Believe me, I really hate the mere mention of it but I can’t help but feel the pressure to do things. If not now, when? Again, why am I so impatient? Things can wait, can’t they?

Doesn’t success take years to reap? Besides, am I extremely hardworking to demand myself an early success? I’m so full of myself I should be ashamed. What do I expect success to be anyway?

Am I only feeling this way because I hate my current job? Or, am I only trying to better myself? Hey, that’s not a bad thing–at least I’m not complacent.

I just don’t know what to do. Why do I feel like I need to go back to school? Why do I feel it’s rational to spend money I don’t have, quit my job, and then maybe work part-time at Starbucks? Why is this urge so strong, when I know it doesn’t make sense to let go of a stable job that gives me generous money?

Is it wrong to look for more meaningful work? To look for something that could challenge myself than settle for a job I don’t truly believe in?

All these questions might be why I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better?

Six Realizations Two Weeks Into a New Job

I’ve been meaning to write this the first day I got the job. I tried to do it again after a week, but I can’t seem to come up with something good. It could only be because more than a month ago, I would’ve never imagined I’d have my name on a business card with a company address on 8th Ave, New York and a “917” area code. “917”–not even “212” or “646”. (Old and new Manhattan area codes) More than a month ago, I was just sitting at a comfy job, probably questioning my life motivations. But here I am now, and I am extremely excited.

Two weeks into it, I realized 6 things:

1.) I’ve always wanted to work in New York City. It just gives me so much energy everyday and I feel motivated and inspired to do more. I can’t believe I saw Times Square for the very first time almost 7 years ago and now my office is only a couple of blocks away.

2.) I need to try to write something new everyday. It could be a blog entry, a paragraph, or even a sentence or two. Or even three words. As long as I write something down, it should be good. I really want to practice writing and be good at it, especially at my job.

3.) I should read more. Still on that improving-my-writing thing, reading can teach me so many good things. I’m looking at non-fiction books, feature articles, essays. You know, those stuff.

4.) Staying healthy makes me feel good. Ever since I started working out (needs improvement) and eating less junk food, there seemed to be less worries in the world. It just feels light and also, it helps me to not gasp for air when I chase trains, daily.

5.) I want to be more independent. It’s definitely a challenge to move out and get my own apartment but I think the only way to discipline myself more is to be on my own. Not only would independence teach me valuable lessons everyday, it would also make me very happy to style every corner of the house–my way!

6.) Haven’t been this happy in a long time. I have the best boyfriend, a shiny new job, a renewed thirst for learning and creativity and a pretty sweet shopping money. I think I can finally say I haven’t been this genuinely happy in a really long time.

Too many feels

Why am I such a sourpuss. If I were a stranger to this blog, I would definitely stop reading after two posts. I just realized that instead of always complaining about things, I should be counting plenty of reasons why I should be thankful everyday. There are a lot of reasons to be thankful for, including my 24th birthday coming up in 2 days.

My old self will be complaining about this of course, but now I’m happy I’m turning 24. I haven’t accomplished much I know but being older is not a bad thing at all. I feel grown up and a little wiser. I already know I’m smarter than I was a year ago – during my ‘punk’ days of not caring. It’s hilarious and a little terrifying how selfish I was and how dumb it was for me to believe that not caring is better than anything because ‘feels’ are bad. ‘Feels’ was a sign of weakness I thought, when in reality, it should be the other way around. It’s a brave thing to care, to be scared and to be hurt. This year taught me to embrace them all – to face them when they’re bad and to let the good kind of feels in.

I think I’m completely healed and it’s something I am extremely thankful of. I was hurt pretty badly and distracted myself by ignoring feelings and by diverting my attention to socializing and ‘partying’. My ‘YOLO’ year I would say, was probably my loneliest and funniest year at the same time. Funny stories of youth and stupidity, yes. But I’ve never felt so alone in my life. It was just me in my non-feels world. Not a fuck was given to any situation I went through. But now I can honestly say I am healed and I don’t feel hurt anymore.

I should also be thankful for a good year of learning, career wise. I think I have a better idea of what I want to do and I also believe in myself more than ever. I’m the only one who can push myself to do better everyday, and to believe I am capable of making great things happen. Things will always be difficult I know, but as they say, it’s all just a matter of perspective.

The year that was

2012 was amazing. It was unexpected, very spontaneous and a YOLO year in the truest sense. I guess I actually lived my new year’s resolution to just be happy and alive. 

I am quite embarrassed actually that I have always whined about not having “anyone” when in hindsight, I genuinely feel glad that I was not in a relationship at all. Cause if I were, I wouldn’t have made all these great memories and funny experiences I had “for the story”.

Traveled twice this year, got a permanent job, went to music events that I always live for, partied extremely hard *wink, re-connected with basketball, reached my ideal weight and fitness, revamped my closet, got a new car and so much more. I’m glad my early cravings for emotional excitement, stimulation and something new was fulfilled the entire year. I probably had a “down” moment for only a month out of the twelve months of 2012.

Yes, it was that awesome.

For 2013, what I’m hoping for mostly is to achieve bigger highs. I want to be better at what I do. I want to grow up a little, especially in my career. I am where I want to be right now. I just know I can do better.