Six Realizations Two Weeks Into a New Job

I’ve been meaning to write this the first day I got the job. I tried to do it again after a week, but I can’t seem to come up with something good. It could only be because more than a month ago, I would’ve never imagined I’d have my name on a business card with a company address on 8th Ave, New York and a “917” area code. “917”–not even “212” or “646”. (Old and new Manhattan area codes) More than a month ago, I was just sitting at a comfy job, probably questioning my life motivations. But here I am now, and I am extremely excited.

Two weeks into it, I realized 6 things:

1.) I’ve always wanted to work in New York City. It just gives me so much energy everyday and I feel motivated and inspired to do more. I can’t believe I saw Times Square for the very first time almost 7 years ago and now my office is only a couple of blocks away.

2.) I need to try to write something new everyday. It could be a blog entry, a paragraph, or even a sentence or two. Or even three words. As long as I write something down, it should be good. I really want to practice writing and be good at it, especially at my job.

3.) I should read more. Still on that improving-my-writing thing, reading can teach me so many good things. I’m looking at non-fiction books, feature articles, essays. You know, those stuff.

4.) Staying healthy makes me feel good. Ever since I started working out (needs improvement) and eating less junk food, there seemed to be less worries in the world. It just feels light and also, it helps me to not gasp for air when I chase trains, daily.

5.) I want to be more independent. It’s definitely a challenge to move out and get my own apartment but I think the only way to discipline myself more is to be on my own. Not only would independence teach me valuable lessons everyday, it would also make me very happy to style every corner of the house–my way!

6.) Haven’t been this happy in a long time. I have the best boyfriend, a shiny new job, a renewed thirst for learning and creativity and a pretty sweet shopping money. I think I can finally say I haven’t been this genuinely happy in a really long time.

Too many feels

Why am I such a sourpuss. If I were a stranger to this blog, I would definitely stop reading after two posts. I just realized that instead of always complaining about things, I should be counting plenty of reasons why I should be thankful everyday. There are a lot of reasons to be thankful for, including my 24th birthday coming up in 2 days.

My old self will be complaining about this of course, but now I’m happy I’m turning 24. I haven’t accomplished much I know but being older is not a bad thing at all. I feel grown up and a little wiser. I already know I’m smarter than I was a year ago – during my ‘punk’ days of not caring. It’s hilarious and a little terrifying how selfish I was and how dumb it was for me to believe that not caring is better than anything because ‘feels’ are bad. ‘Feels’ was a sign of weakness I thought, when in reality, it should be the other way around. It’s a brave thing to care, to be scared and to be hurt. This year taught me to embrace them all – to face them when they’re bad and to let the good kind of feels in.

I think I’m completely healed and it’s something I am extremely thankful of. I was hurt pretty badly and distracted myself by ignoring feelings and by diverting my attention to socializing and ‘partying’. My ‘YOLO’ year I would say, was probably my loneliest and funniest year at the same time. Funny stories of youth and stupidity, yes. But I’ve never felt so alone in my life. It was just me in my non-feels world. Not a fuck was given to any situation I went through. But now I can honestly say I am healed and I don’t feel hurt anymore.

I should also be thankful for a good year of learning, career wise. I think I have a better idea of what I want to do and I also believe in myself more than ever. I’m the only one who can push myself to do better everyday, and to believe I am capable of making great things happen. Things will always be difficult I know, but as they say, it’s all just a matter of perspective.

Penny-pinchin’

If you’re 20-something and you have your own place, a car, an HD TV with cable and Netflix, an insured pet plus enough money to spare, then aren’t you so lucky. I’m not entirely sure if this ideal demographic represents a significant percentage of the current US population but if you fit this mold, I am jealous of you buddy. Not only am I incapable of renting my own place, I am also currently on the edge of a possible job loss.

Relax, I am aware of the dangers of these pangs of jealousy. Please know that these are not just ill feelings, they also do a good job of reminding me to be better everyday. I’m very hopeful that in less than three years, I can achieve a level of stability where there’s an ample time to relax and breathe in between paydays, quarterly shopping sprees, hefty funds for some traveling and a considerable amount of job satisfaction.

I will get there eventually. I’ll be 27 and fulfilled. But as of August 28th, 2013 at 7:44 pm, I am fearful that if I lose my job because of my company’s difficult merger situation, I’d only be clinging to what’s left of my bank account that can last me for a few months, maybe a couple if I quit Starbucks and eating out. I guess I have to mentally prepare myself and be really smart now: no more unnecessary purchases and self indulgences. Only food and wine.

Oh well. Crossing my fingers I can meet all these looming car payments.

Quarterlife

I hate to be a part of this age old cliche, but I think I’m convinced that people really go through a quarter life crisis. Some people may have luckily figured out their goals early in life but unfortunately, I’m not said people. Growing up, I was told that after getting a college degree and securing a job, life will be set. There was a huge emphasis on education and it seemed as if life would be perfect once this is achieved. Currently, I hold a bachelor’s degree plus a minor on the side and I have a job in line with it. Do I feel complete, accomplished and happy? I don’t think so.

In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with what I’m currently doing. Yes, I feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete tasks given to me, as well as when I’m complimented at what I do. But in the end, I do not enjoy it. It’s just that, a job. A job that pays my indulgences and my monthly bills. A job that gives me stress at times and a job that gives me some sense of purpose everyday. And this is unfortunate because I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do. Some people go to grad school to buy some time but it’s not an option in my case since I can’t afford it. How do I even figure out my passion in life? I like a lot of things, but to single out one thing is quite difficult.

Does my love for music count? Or my addiction to Netflix? And coming up with this blog? Somebody help me figure out what to do because honestly, these everyday routines are becoming really, really dull. Good thing my job got me a boyfriend at least.