Year in Review

Unemployed in the summer of 2012, I created this blog as a quick outlet of my thoughts to give myself some sense of purpose. I thought it would be best to make fun of the bad situation I was in, so I mostly celebrated my non-achievements, selfish endeavors (or the lack thereof) and the most trivial life events. Luckily, after scoring a new job not long after, I somehow redeemed myself and started setting realistic goals as an ‘adult’. So in 2013, these goals just became clearer – mostly attainable.

I actually started doing things. And in doing so, I earned an exciting 2014 ahead of me.

What I’m trying to say is, I’ve had enough of making bad situations better by ‘making fun’ of them. There’s really nothing to gain out of making a situation ‘funny’. Instead, do actual, tangible things towards set goals and get rewarded quicker than you can imagine. It might just be some sense of maturity finally kicking in, and my lessened belief in luck but now, more than ever, I believe a stronger drive makes for an even bigger success.

My 2014 will just be a continuation of that – fueling my passion and my drive to succeed. Who knows, I might actually be able to afford an apartment* by the end of this year, if not sooner.

*I’ve been thinking of this way too often lately. Looks like we have a New Year’s resolution over hurr.

Penny-pinchin’

If you’re 20-something and you have your own place, a car, an HD TV with cable and Netflix, an insured pet plus enough money to spare, then aren’t you so lucky. I’m not entirely sure if this ideal demographic represents a significant percentage of the current US population but if you fit this mold, I am jealous of you buddy. Not only am I incapable of renting my own place, I am also currently on the edge of a possible job loss.

Relax, I am aware of the dangers of these pangs of jealousy. Please know that these are not just ill feelings, they also do a good job of reminding me to be better everyday. I’m very hopeful that in less than three years, I can achieve a level of stability where there’s an ample time to relax and breathe in between paydays, quarterly shopping sprees, hefty funds for some traveling and a considerable amount of job satisfaction.

I will get there eventually. I’ll be 27 and fulfilled. But as of August 28th, 2013 at 7:44 pm, I am fearful that if I lose my job because of my company’s difficult merger situation, I’d only be clinging to what’s left of my bank account that can last me for a few months, maybe a couple if I quit Starbucks and eating out. I guess I have to mentally prepare myself and be really smart now: no more unnecessary purchases and self indulgences. Only food and wine.

Oh well. Crossing my fingers I can meet all these looming car payments.

Heroes

This is not a new discovery or a late life realization. I’ve known this my whole life but I was reminded of it yesterday, when I woke up at 8 o’clock on a Saturday morning next to three remote controls, my Nook and Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters. When people continue to disappoint, or when everything in life is just not as pretty as I imagined it to be, I return to my ultimate saviour, my pure joy: endless fiction.

In the past month, I think I’ve only gone out once: a fruitless shebang for a friend’s birthday. After x amount of drinks, I went home alone at 4am, not even drunk but a $100 poorer. What did I get from it? Nothing but 8 more tagged photos on Facebook which I don’t even care about.

Hence, I’ve completely isolated myself in pure fiction since: I recharged my Nook, bought 2 more e-books, scoured my pile of unread books and buried myself in bed with episodes of Parks and Rec. Have I upset myself since? Nope. These are my heroes. They never disappoint, they only entertain in genius ways possible. Meanwhile, I get a virtual poke on the phone from a friend, asking me to come out and catch up only to be disappointed in less than 24 hours of planning a desperate tete-a-tete. Moral lesson of the story? Don’t let humans interfere with your relationship with your books, your movies or your TV shows. At least these heroes are not as costly as dealing with people and their endless crap.

I sound so anti-social and hateful right now, my mom should be proud.

These are the selfish years

My mug shot of excessive consumerism

Having a stable job can also be a bad thing. I used to be able to control myself when seeing something that I really want to purchase. This was when I flipped burgers for a living but now that I have a desk job and the pay is constant, I almost always succumb into swiping my credit card.

These are indeed the selfish years when all I need to worry about constantly is what I’m going to wear and what I’m going to do the coming weekend. Isn’t this what I dreamed of when I was young?

I just need my own place. Then I can throw a party for being young and selfish.

15 Questions To My 30 Year Old Self

1. Do you like your job?
2. How do you like living in the city by yourself?
3. Wait, can you even afford it?
4. Don’t tell me you’re married???
5. You’re still in New York, right? Right?
6. Have you gotten fat and given up Whole Foods?
7. Do you still talk to any of your exes?
8. You actually have a really nice walk-in closet? (Wait, that’s impossible if you live in NY)
9. How many countries have you visited so far? Tell me you’ve been to Europe!
10. Did you ever get a dog?
11. What’s your new hobby?
12. Are you still single?!
13. Hopefully you’re not underpaid anymore?
14. Are you satisfied with your life?
15. Please say yes?

This hurricane has left me with loneliness and days of aimless bumming

I understand the severity of Hurricane Sandy’s aftermath. Believe me, I do. There’s an uprooted tree in front of my driveway and a closed main street four blocks down my house. Power lines are down and from watching the news, the city has it worse with flooded subways and tunnels. There has also been casualties reported from all over the eastern seaboard. But right now, I just really can’t stand being home any longer. I’ve been in my PJs for 2 straight days and only brushed my hair twice. I really look like shit.

I need a drink. It’s unfortunate that there’s no liquor in my parent’s house. My parents don’t believe in it and I’m afraid that once I stock the house with enough liquor, they’d tell me I’d gone alcoholic. But I just need a drink right now. Living unproductively the past days is making me a little bit antsy that I’ve resorted to writing a blog entry to at least make something. It’s sad that I’m thinking about work right now and the deadlines I have to meet once I get back to my cubicle. It’s a really sad truth that I can’t invest any of my time and energy to someone, but only my job really.

I can’t even finish the book I’m reading. I’m too distracted checking everyone’s tweets and pictures of toppled trees and flooded streets. I feel for everyone in the blacked out city, and I can’t wait for everything to return to normal again so people can go back to their happy hour routines after work.

I can’t even finish a movie without falling asleep 15 minutes into it. Being in bed makes me want to sleep all day and it’s not a good thing believe me. I’d rather be bombarded with calls from business people at work for my ad campaigns than be faced with the silence of my phone’s inactivity. No new messages. Only notifications of Facebook game invites. Fml. Who is this stranger asking me to play Bingo anyway. Oh yeah, at least my power is still on.

But there’s nothing to do but eat ice cream.

Hopefully there’s work tomorrow. I need to be busy.

I’m such a whiner I apologize.

What happiness?

What exactly makes someone happy? What constitutes happiness? Is there an easy way to achieve it? Can somebody prove that happiness is not just when you’re in a healthy relationship? Happiness is not just when one’s worth is validated by another person’s affections, right? Because if it’s the only way, if happiness is only when you’re in a bubble of mush, then isn’t life a big fat, annoying jerk.

It’s just pathetic how despite every other good thing that’s happening to me, I’m still not happy just because no one’s there. As much as I try to enjoy my life and all with a bunch of friends and lots of alcohol, something’s just missing. And it’s hard to brush it off because that feeling of longing just clings to me everyday. It hovers above my head like a dead cloud. I miss the feeling of security and companionship. I miss the peace. Back when I was in one, even if the job sucked, or life’s been a joke, I’d still be happy because someone was there, waiting in the wings to make everything okay.

I wish it wasn’t like this. Why can’t I be happy just by myself? I mean, it would be awesome to just deal with myself alone. No lies, sugarcoats and complications. But it’s just not the case. And it sucks that I’d take all the pain back again just to have a taste of the kind of happiness when it’s all butterflies and rainbows.

And that’s pretty fucked up.

Twenty Three

A year ago I was a lost puppy. I had no idea what to do with my life: I just got out of college and a relationship and I was scrambling all over the place. Now, I feel extremely blessed for what I actually have. I have a job that I actually like and also, a couple of people I can call my friends. Again, I’m gonna say it for the nth time, it’s been a really fun ride for me the past year and I can honestly say that although I am not immensely happy, I am very satisfied with the life I’m living. At least at the moment.

And now I’m turning twenty-three. The years are just coming by so fast it’s scary. How do I make the most out of these youthful years? Get drunk every weekend? Spend an awful amount of money on shopping for myself while I still can? Smoke cigarettes like it’s healthy? Sleep late every night? Live recklessly? Who has a complete list of these things? How can I access this youth bible so I can legitimately say I lived the most out of these good years?

I don’t know. But I believe how I’m living it now is definitely not bad at all. It may not be the coolest of lifestyles but it has been pretty darn good. Twenty three can’t be too bad. It may be a little scary to realize that I am becoming more and more like an adult: an adult with fat responsibilities. But I’m proud of where I am now: working hard for my career and living for my weekends.

I guess I’m in the prime of my life. And maybe I should stop worrying too much but instead, I should just keep frolicking.

Chances

Is there such thing as a missed opportunity? I guess so. But also, in most cases we miss opportunities because we pick our other choices. In a sense, we’re not missing any of these chances because we rejected them first.

I guess going with this thought can make me accept life easier because really, life is just one big decision after another. There should be no longing for would have beens since everything that is happening now is happening because this is what I wanted in the first place. Well not what I wanted really, but what sounded good when I was handed the choices at least.

I don’t think I’m making any sense.

Maybe I’m just lonely.

Man Vs Food

This is not a post about eating food that has more than four legs or anything squiggly. This is also not about the super sizes of fast food with an equally ginormous drink that come with it. This is about food in general, and how extremely challenging it is to keep the daily caloric intake below 2000 or in my case, 1200/1400 in a world of delicious food.

I am not anorexic nor bulimic. I love food. So much. But why can’t something taste so flavorful without the heavy burden of a thousand calories? It is really sad sometimes because the food with the most calories? The best kinds. I hope I didn’t care so much but who can eat all that food without fearing to become one of America’s morbidly obese?

Cheese fries. Milk shake. Plain french fries. Ice cream. Onion rings. Hot dogs. Pizza. You know, the good ones. They taste so amazing but the calories? Forget it. Put the “healthy” factor in the equation, you get tofu fries or some dry turkey burgers. Not exactly flavorful. And oh my god, Sugar. The killer. They now have zero calorie sweeteners but who would prefer that in donuts, cookies, bread, cupcakes, cakes, brownies, chocolates and cookie dough? Uh, no one.

Don’t even get me started with carbs. Rice: hibachi rice, sushi, fried rice, the list goes on. Noodles and pastas too. I wish I can eat these deliciousness to my heart’s content but nope, I’m always coerced to stop at a certain point. Oh and how can I forget: beer. I am in my early twenties therefore I go out on weekends mostly which involve heavy drinking. The fat I can gain over the weekend from that plus greasy hangover food can be really, really ridiculous it’s depressing. If I actually start recklessly demolishing food, I’d probably be as big as my paternal aunts: none of them weigh less than 200 lbs.

What’s frustrating too is the fact that a whole meal from Mc Donald’s complete with a drink and a side only cost less than 4$. But if I head to Panera for a healthier option, it would cost me more than $10. Ah, their Broccoli Cheddar soup is heaven in a bowl. But the price tag is always tough. Come to think of it, being healthy is expensive: Whole Foods Market is, and gym memberships, and protein supplements. And healthy food in general.

Ah. Enough of this. This is hopeless. And this is just making me hungry.