Why am I such a sourpuss. If I were a stranger to this blog, I would definitely stop reading after two posts. I just realized that instead of always complaining about things, I should be counting plenty of reasons why I should be thankful everyday. There are a lot of reasons to be thankful for, including my 24th birthday coming up in 2 days.
My old self will be complaining about this of course, but now I’m happy I’m turning 24. I haven’t accomplished much I know but being older is not a bad thing at all. I feel grown up and a little wiser. I already know I’m smarter than I was a year ago – during my ‘punk’ days of not caring. It’s hilarious and a little terrifying how selfish I was and how dumb it was for me to believe that not caring is better than anything because ‘feels’ are bad. ‘Feels’ was a sign of weakness I thought, when in reality, it should be the other way around. It’s a brave thing to care, to be scared and to be hurt. This year taught me to embrace them all – to face them when they’re bad and to let the good kind of feels in.
I think I’m completely healed and it’s something I am extremely thankful of. I was hurt pretty badly and distracted myself by ignoring feelings and by diverting my attention to socializing and ‘partying’. My ‘YOLO’ year I would say, was probably my loneliest and funniest year at the same time. Funny stories of youth and stupidity, yes. But I’ve never felt so alone in my life. It was just me in my non-feels world. Not a fuck was given to any situation I went through. But now I can honestly say I am healed and I don’t feel hurt anymore.
I should also be thankful for a good year of learning, career wise. I think I have a better idea of what I want to do and I also believe in myself more than ever. I’m the only one who can push myself to do better everyday, and to believe I am capable of making great things happen. Things will always be difficult I know, but as they say, it’s all just a matter of perspective.
between love & hate 